Finding My Smile

I don’t really know what age I was when I lost my smile. It would come and go until one day it was just...gone. The plastic smile I put on the outside of my face got much more attention than it deserved. 

“I love your smile! They would all say. I would reply with a quick 

“Thanks” and duck my head. My smile looked real enough but it was not connected to my heart. My smile was a hollow mask that only reminded me of how sad I was on the inside. 

I was not satisfied with my fake smile. A quest was needed to find my real smile. I looked at school. Everyone seemed so happy at school with their groups and their friends, so I found my group. It was the theater group. Everyone there seemed a bit odd which helped me fit in. I found glimpses of my smile by pretending I was someone else on stage. However, the smile seemed to melt away whenever I stopped playing a part and tried to be myself. My theater people were loud. So loud that I could pretend that everything was just fine and they never stopped to listen to the quiver in my voice when I told them that all was good. I knew it was just pretend. 

I decided to look for my smile through my relationships. I got a boyfriend. He was a goof. He made me laugh. He held my hand and kissed my lips and it felt good. For a moment, I thought that I had truly found my smile. We got close but were cautious. We followed the rules. Things were bliss but bliss had an expiration date. We were together then we were not. Together. Not. Together. Not. The drama of always trying to compete for his attention became unhealthy. The feeling of never being his first choice pushed my smile further away. I felt like an afterthought. If he doesn't want me, no one will. I would have to settle for less than I deserved.

The cycle continued boy after boy then man after man. No one held my smile. Ah ha! I had an idea. The next place to look for my smile was in marriage! In a whirlwind, I found a man and planned a wedding. The dress was beautiful. The ring drew attention. The man, he was funny and charming and well...deceiving. After all the flowers, family, dancing, and cake, the wedding was over. That night as I lay in bed. I felt more lost and alone than ever. What had I done? This was a mistake. My smile was not hidden in the excitement of a wedding and it definitely was not being protected by my new husband. 

My smile taunted me. I had my happy days. Some days I even loved my husband and I felt like he could love me too. Unfortunately, those happy days were scarce. I had to move on in my quest. Children! Of course that is where my smile would be hidden. I prayed and begged God to be blessed with such a gift. The day my baby boy was born, my smile reached my heart but something was wrong. My heart felt broken. I couldn’t feel my smile. I couldn’t feel happy or sad. I mostly just felt empty. Fighting broke out with my husband and I ran away to family. My smile was not fake anymore. In fact. I had no smile at all. My family gathered around me and forced me to get help. I was so mad. So mad that I had to keep living for their sake. I chose to carry on.

Years of battling depression convinced me that not only my heart was broken. I was broken. I had to find my smile but nothing seemed to work. Not God, not family, not friends, and definitely not my husband. I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed of therapy. I tried to focus on the good. I could see the smile I wanted when I looked at my son’s face. I loved his smile. It made me smile but I was told too often that I was a bad mom and I did not have a right to enjoy my son’s happiness. Living parallel lives with my husband, I had had enough. 

No more quest. I was done looking for my smile. I did not need it. No man, child, friend, or religion was the answer to my troubles. I decided to lift my head up and leave my messed up marriage. I focused on making the best decisions both for my son and myself. 

Finding independence again was not an easy task. Balancing being a mom, working, and dating again left me ragged. It had a strange effect on me. I was no longer thinking about my smile. I was thinking about survival. How do I pay bills now? How do I keep from screwing my son up mentally? How can I make sure my family is happy so they don’t kick me out of the house? I began to drop my faith. Drop my friends. Drop everything but work and my son. The adjustment seemed impossible. I could not get out of debt. I felt like I was failing as a mother. I was going through the motions of life but not really living.

One night of misery, my sisters stole me and took me on an adventure. We sat on abandoned railroad tracks in the cold, watching the lunar eclipse. We talked late into the night. We reminisce about the past and discuss the future. We make plans together to improve our lives. We talked about how to live intentional lives. Sitting there with the winter air nipping at my nose, I felt something on my face that made my heart warm. I touched my lips. There it was. My smile sat full and bright. It felt comfortable and familiar as though it had never left. I thought it had abandoned me. Have I been the one pushing it away? No, It was always there. I tried hiding it. I told myself I did not deserve it. I told myself other’s did not want me to have a smile, but it stayed with me even when it felt fake. 

You know my smile that I called fake, it was not fake for others viewing it. I wonder how many times my supposedly fake smile cradled someone else who had felt like they had lost their own smile. How many times has someone seen my smile and just knew that I would do anything for them despite my depression. My smile may not have been there all the time for me, but even when I could not feel it radiate throughout my body, I know it must have blessed someone else who needed it more than me. 

After that day on the tracks with my sisters, I decided to start respecting my smile whether it felt real or not. Sometimes I feel sad, depressed, alone, rejected, and worthless. I acknowledge those feelings as valid but I smile for others to let them know that things will get better. Often I cry, but now I know it is a hard moment, not a hard life. I know my smile is still there waiting for me to be ready to embrace it. My life suddenly holds meaning. My God is more familiar and giving. My friends support me, and when I hold my son, I can feel his love and he knows I love him in return. I no longer look for my smile in outside sources. I know where my smile is. It is where it always has been.

I see my smile over again and again. When I feel it is lost, I smile for those around me and it makes me feel peace knowing that even in my darkest moments, I can help someone else. I have learned to be patient with my smile. Letting myself feel emotions hurts sometimes. Often I think I would rather feel nothing than let myself feel pain. However, my smile is waiting behind the self-doubt and depression. It is waiting for me to open my heart to it again. My depression may never go away completely, but I know for sure that my smile is stronger and more permanent than my depressive moments. My smile is part of who I am, no matter what.