Split in Two

Being a single parent is difficult. Being a single parent and having share your child is torture. It can feel like you are failing even when your child is away with another parent. The loss of control can feel like your heart is being ripped out. However, just because your child is away, doesn't mean that you are being replaced or that you are less important to your child. They think of you while you are separated and will come running to your arms when you are reunited. Treasure the moments with them. Even the painful moments where they cry and you just listen will mean something to your children.

Son: “Hey mommy! Thanks for calling me. I tried calling you so much times but you didn’t answer. Why didn’t you answer me?”

I need to focus on driving but I miss you so much baby boy.

Mom: “I’m sorry bud, I was at work. I can’t talk to you when I am at work.”

I wish I could, I got your sweet messages. You told me I was a lovely mom and should call you. I wanted to right then and there.

Son: “Why not?”

I love my job baby, I have to focus when I am at work.

Mom: “Well, my boss would get upset if I was talking to you instead of working.”

I could lose the best job in the world. What would I do then?

Son: “So?”

He doesn’t understand why I work so much.

 Mom: “If I didn’t have my job I would not be able to take care of you.”

I am home. I still have so much to do. Should I hang up?

Son: “Fine, What you want to talk about mommy?”

I want to sleep. I hurt from working too hard. I overdid it at the gym again but it was fun being with my client. He is awesome. I am so lucky.

Mom: “Tell me about your day. Did you go to school?

I know what he is going to say.

Son: “No, I played games on my phone all day! I am so excited! I got a new game. I can’t memember what it is called. Do you know that game?”

Uhhhhhhh no. Ha ha. I can't read your mind buddy.

Mom: “Describe it to me.”

I can’t believe he missed school again. He is going to be behind and I can’t keep up.

Son: “It has a circle that tries to eat dots but the ghosts eat him.”

Oh I forgot to listen to the description while I carried everything inside and said hi to my sister. Oh well. That’s fine. I’ll just fake it.

Mom: “Ahhh, that is a fun game. Did you do anything besides that?”

Please say you did something, anything. A walk? Cleaned your room? Learned something? Spent time with your Stepmom? Anything please.

Son: “Nope, oh wait, I ate pancakes and ramen noodles.” 

Played games and ate bad food. I feel like my heart is breaking. I wish I could do something about it.

Mom: “Oh, well that sounds like a balanced meal.”

Ooops, that sounded too sarcastic.

Son: “Yeah, tell me about your day Mommy.”

My day was exhausting baby. I’m so tired. I just want to lie down and relax for a while. Thank you for asking.

Mom: “Oh well I woke up and edited pictures and then I went...”

To work, I took my client to the gym. It was pretty fun but the workout was really hard so my body aches but it was fun watching my client dance to the Zumba music. Aaaaaaaand we are back talking about your games now, aren't we?

Son: “Ha ha ha ha! Yes! I did it! I opened the surprise box and got coins. Wow!”

I hate those games. His dad should be doing something with him.

Mom: “Are you playing a game while talking to me?”

I don’t even need to ask.

Son: “Yes, I’m excited.”

He’s not even listening to me. I’m just going to go to bed.

Mom: “Well, if you are done talking to me I am going to hang up.”

Oh dear, here comes the tears. I’m sorry baby. I know this is hard on you.

Son: “What? No, I want to talk to you. You need to tell me about your day. I haven’t talked to you all day!”

He just needs to hear my voice.

Mom: “Why are you crying?”

He needs me and I can’t come rescue him. I am failing as a mother.

Son: “Nobody ever talks to me and when daddy is here he just lells at me when I try to talk to him everyone lells at me and I think I am a terrible kid!”

No, no, no, baby. I can’t handle this. I need to come get you and hold you in my arms so you know that you are not a terrible kid. You are amazing and strong and should be with me. I can’t do this anymore! I need you.

Mom: “Hey baby, I’m here. You are not a terrible kid! You can keep talking to me. I won’t hang up. What do you want to talk about?”

Your cries are killing me baby! 

Son: “I’m so sad. Why can’t I come to your house? Can I ask dad if I can come over?”

I want you to be with me where you are loved and taken care of. 

Mom: “You can ask but it is his week so he will probably say no.”

Please say yes.

Son: “Okay, one second. I will ask.”

Oh no, he is crying even harder. His dad said no. Now I’m crying. Keep it together.

Mom: “Oh, honey, it’s okay. Don’t cry. I will see you next week.”

This isn’t right. I should have him. I should be able to protect him from feeling lonely. He is a wonderful and smart kid and I don't tell him that enough! 

Son: “But I want you now and next week is so far away!”

It feels like an eternity!

Mom: “Only a few more days and then you can come over and we can do projects together.”

Thank goodness, his crying is calming down.

Son: “Okay”

I love him so much! 

Mom: “What do you want to talk about? Oh wait…”

Oh no, I hear his dad’s voice. Yuck! Oh that’s mean. I shouldn’t think like that.

Son: “I’ll be back”

What is he saying? Why is my kid crying again?

Mom: “What’s wrong baby?”

He has to go. I have to let him go.

Son: “Daddy says I have to stop talking to you because I’m crying.”

What! He is just expressing his emotions!

Mom: “There is nothing wrong with you crying.”

His dad thinks that I am making my baby crying. I can hear him. He is going to take the phone away.

Son: “No I don’t want to stop talking!”

My heart is breaking kid!

Mom: “I love you baby! I will talk to you tomorrow.”

I don’t want to leave you like this.

Son: “Don’t hang up, don't hang up, don’t hang up!”

I wish I could do something, anything. What kind of mother am I if I can’t be there for him?

Mom: “Daddy says you have to go.”

Please don’t go!

Son: “Noooooo!”

Great, now I’m crying.

Mom: “I love you.”

My heart is split in two baby boy. When you are gone I don’t feel complete. I have no control. I want you with me. I feel like I am failing as a mom when you are gone. Please know that it is alright for you to miss me and it is okay if you cry. I will be here waiting to hold you in just a few days time. Hang in there my baby. Soon you will be back here making me complete.