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This year

When I think if what I achieved over the past year with my family, my heart is overwhelmed. The year before this, I was a single mother, struggling to keep both August and me happy, healthy, and alive. Life, as usual, was a challenge. However, I was blessed with a wonderful job caring for a man with down syndrome. Not only did that man with down syndrome become like a brother to me, but his mom became one of my best friends. I was happy but still missing something. It was hard to start working full time and still give August the attention he needed, especially while I was trying to date. August was a champion. We had deep conversations of our emotional trials. He became very articulate with his words and perceptive when I was struggling emotionally. He had to take care of me sometimes, which was hard for me to swallow, but it built our bond. I ended the last year with several suitors, but none faithful enough to take up being a father to my wonderful boy.  Then, year 2020 started. ...
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Anger is a Thief

  My son's face darkened as his eyes flashed in fury.  "I hate you! I wish you never married my mom!" August's voice was already raw from yelling, but he couldn't stop. He knew that in a few hours he would have to leave this home and go to his dad's house and now, he not only couldn't go to the park with his cousin, but he had lost video games as well. The injustice was punching his gut.  How could they do this to me?   He flailed his hands and growled. When that wasn't enough to satisfy his rage, he kicked at a cardboard box that sat near his feet. My new husband, Zack, tilted his head slightly, his eyes downcast. "I am so sad for you August. You are such a good boy, but it seems like anger has stolen your love away." Zack kept his voice low but steady. He glanced up and for a second he caught August's gaze. As soon as August noticed Zack looking at him, his face contorted again.  "I'M NOT LISTENING!" He shouted with feet s...
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Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess with a big loving family. Even though she had everything she needed she still was not truly happy. The princess grew up feeling alone in a crowd, until one wonderful day, she met a charming Prince. The Prince quickly won the princess over with his smooth words and handsome face. It was not too long until the princess married the prince and they both lived happily ever after… The End Wait? What? That's the story? Get married, the end?  Unfortunately, that's how fairy tales often unfold. A girl struggles until a guy comes along, sweeps her off her feet, and then their ‘Happily Ever After’ begins.  Much like a fairytale, I was taught from a very young age that my purpose in life was to grow up, marry a returned missionary in the temple, have babies, and live happily ever after.  Well, that is precisely what I did. I followed the system that I had been taught my entire life. I grew up, had some troubles, fought...
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Growing Pains

I pull my blanket up tight around me as though it will replace the warm arms I wish would hold me. In my warm cocoon of comfort, another wave of loneliness hits me. I want to be taken care of. I want to be loved, but I’m alone. Who would love me? I don’t even know if I love me. Some days I love myself. However, days like today, I feel like love is out of reach, meant only for a fairy tale. Not me. Oh no! Tears are rolling down my cheeks again. I hate it when they do that! I look over to see if my son noticed that I'm crying. He hasn't. He is focusing on his game. That’s good at least. I don’t want him to feel like it’s his job to take care of me. If I were a good mom, I would wipe my tears, get out of bed, and take the tablet away so he would do something worthwhile. But no, I'm not ready for the tantrum that is sure to unfold. We would both be in tears then. What good would that do? I can’t deal with it today. I quit! Rolling over, I put my back to my son, and shut my...
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Split in Two

Being a single parent is difficult. Being a single parent and having share your child is torture. It can feel like you are failing even when your child is away with another parent. The loss of control can feel like your heart is being ripped out. However, just because your child is away, doesn't mean that you are being replaced or that you are less important to your child. They think of you while you are separated and will come running to your arms when you are reunited. Treasure the moments with them. Even the painful moments where they cry and you just listen will mean something to your children. Son: “Hey mommy! Thanks for calling me. I tried calling you so much times but you didn’t answer. Why didn’t you answer me?” I need to focus on driving but I miss you so much baby boy. Mom: “I’m sorry bud, I was at work. I can’t talk to you when I am at work.” I wish I could, I got your sweet messages. You told me I was a lovely mom and should call you. I wanted to right th...
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When Not to Laugh - Remember that time?

(I accidentally deleted this post so here it is again. Just a random story for your entertainment. Enjoy!) The kids are playing nicely in the playroom. My siblings are surrounding me. “Game night!” We decide. Soon, our minds are engrossed in an intense game of of trickery and deceit. My brothers rule the game as they team up, making me lose miserably. My mind is only on revenge as I hear a shrill sound coming from the playroom. The sound is a distress call coming from my nephew. The game screeches to a stop as the child's mother goes to release him from the playroom. Only a few moments pass when we hear her shout, “What on Earth? Where are your clothes?” There is a brief moment of silence as the children realize they have been caught. The silence is shortly followed by a burst of uncontrollable giggles as my son emerges from the playroom. I suddenly understand the cause of his amusement. He is exposed and completely naked. My gaze glaces behind my nude son and I see another naked ...
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Finding My Smile

I don’t really know what age I was when I lost my smile. It would come and go until one day it was just...gone. The plastic smile I put on the outside of my face got much more attention than it deserved.  “I love your smile! They would all say. I would reply with a quick  “Thanks” and duck my head. My smile looked real enough but it was not connected to my heart. My smile was a hollow mask that only reminded me of how sad I was on the inside.  I was not satisfied with my fake smile. A quest was needed to find my real smile. I looked at school. Everyone seemed so happy at school with their groups and their friends, so I found my group. It was the theater group. Everyone there seemed a bit odd which helped me fit in. I found glimpses of my smile by pretending I was someone else on stage. However, the smile seemed to melt away whenever I stopped playing a part and tried to be myself. My theater people were loud. So loud that I could pretend that everything was ju...
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